Why the US Lost the World Cup

RETARDED

And MAMA's plan to win it in 2030

By Barry Weiss · July 7, 2026 · 5 min read

America is about big. Big trucks, big stadiums, big McMansions on big plots of land paid for by big people using big bank accounts. And of course, due to hundreds of years of extremely selective breeding by agricultural innovators, big blacks. The biggest blacks the world’s ever seen. Our African-Americans are the Ford F-450s of the homo ebonicus genus and species. The XXL Big Gulps of the mahogany diaspora.

The rest of the world is about small. Small portions, small apartments, small GDPs, and as you may have noticed in this year’s World Cup; small soccer players appearing on big 120” OLED American plasmas like bugs chasing around an aspirin. Even Haaland, who in the world of soccer is a monstrous giant, is the exact size of Randy Moss—one of the skinniest NFL greats ever.

Yesterday we lost to Belgium, which isn’t even a real country. Simply a demilitarized artifact of the post-Napoleonic order. This was entirely preventable. A simple case of what we used to refer to at the Wharton School of Business as a “misallocation of resources.”

To start off, I want you to google a picture of Jabrill Peppers in high school. I google one several times a day. Sometimes I print one out, just for fun.

Now I want you to imagine him running into Lionel Messi at full-sprint breakneck speed and shattering his entire skeleton upon impact. I want you to go on YouTube and watch Michael Vick highlight reels. Now imagine him in a goalie uniform chucking a soccer ball 115 yards like Chris Kyle sniping an Afghani toddler. In fact, just google some basic draft combine stats from the undrafted guys who get stuck in the D-league. They wipe the floor with the best soccer players in the world.

The plan? Starting tomorrow Team USA hires a downwardly mobile Jewish quant to index the heights, weights, sprint times, verticals, and T-levels of every 21-23 year old college athlete who just fell short of making the pros. We make these hopeless reserves into something the European mind cannot comprehend: massive black agricultural errrr i mean soccer machines. Then we say hey, big blacks, you’re not making the NFL or the NBA, but here a couple hundred grand to be on Team USA. We’ll throw in an Escalade and pardon a few of your cousins (need backups). Sign here.

The 2030 World Cup rolls around. No one has ever heard of anyone on our roster. We’ve been feeding them illegal Chinese peptides and horse meat for four years. A round of Henny shots spiked with 2000mg of Winstrol and Viagra right before kickoff. Anyone tries to drug test them will have their Apple Watch blown up by Israel. They take the field and are literally 3-4 times larger than the other team, running on all fours, tearing up the grass with their knuckles. The crowd goes wild.

The reality is that we’re going to lose the first few games. But the silver lining will be multiple fatalities on the opposing side. After enough fractured skulls and shattered orbital bones enemy players will straight up refuse to play. And any country who tries to complain to the Central Soccer Commission or some other gay department will find themselves very quickly accused of “developing WMDs.” We’ll probably get bronze.

Four years pass. It’s 2034.

At this point, with even basic soccer training, they would be unstoppable. Think about it like this: You could take the best 15 middle school soccer players in America and make a junior high superteam that would still lose to a squad of their middle aged dads. It’s just physics. No matter what MSNBC says it will always be more about the size of the black in the fight than the size of the fight in the black.

Affirmative action laws passed for minority heritage Americans will force us to have at least one white guy on the team, which will actually be a plus. We find our token honkey to do corner kicks, free kicks and penalty shots. He’ll be a fan favorite and end up dating one of the Jenners. Overall race relations will improve.

Team 2034 will go on an absolute generation run. The result of centuries of intentional genetic bottlenecking and careful selective breeding. Zero sportsmanship. Players clotheslining and roundhouse kicking anyone who gets in their way. Performing fatalities not seen since the Colosseum. Players literally stepping over bodies as they walk off the field, refusing to shake anyone's hand. Over half the roster fouling out (except the token white) but it’s irrelevant because each player is completely interchangeable.

Yes, the rest of the world will cry foul, both on and off the field. This is after all what the rest of the world does—they cut down the tall trees and the tall trees come here. And eventually we figure out how to mechanize our way past the rules. Our strength lies in mass production. In size. We will take 50 of the most physically exceptional and massive black athletes we have and finally take home a World Cup championship. We’ll come, we’ll see, we’ll conquer. Then we throw the trophy in the garbage because soccer is gay.