EVERY TYPE OF JEW EXPLAINED

CULTURE

A Comprehensive Guide to God’s Chosen People

By Barry Weiss · July 13, 2026 · 8 min read

Antisemitism is a beautiful thing — when it’s done properly. While low IQ antisemites speak in broad generalizations, the arch-Jews who run MAMA Magazine prefer to be specific. Here is our comprehensive guide to each tentacle of the talmudic octopus.

PERSIAN JEWS

Basically muslims. Weird thin teeth. 13% are responsible for 50% of nose-jobs nationwide. When Iran got its act together in 1979 they were banished to Great Neck and Los Angeles where they have spent decades undermining the social contract. They make all their money by taking out massive bank loans, buying defunct malls, then declaring bankruptcy and selling them to their cousins. One day their WhatsApp GCs will finally be infiltrated by the FBI. They make money like Jews and spend it like blacks. There is no more surefire recession indicator than them beginning to mass default on Mercedes SUVs. Their natural habitat is Los Angeles, having completely ethnically cleansed the Ashkenazis out of Beverly Hills. Drive by Beverly Hills High School at lunch time you’ll see Tehran before the Revolution.

SEPHARDIM

Basically blacks. The “We Wuz Kings” of the Jews. They claim to descend from rulers and prophets but functionally incapable of running falafel stands. The “true Jews” who have never left the holy land but also caused the Spanish Inquisition. Overall Jewish IQ data tragically incorporates the Sephardim, who are about a standard deviation away from dolphins. Israeli social welfare transfers billions from Askenazis to Sephardim each year, who then ridicule them for not “seasoning they food.” Often work in mall kiosks where they shout “my friend my friend” over top 40 radio. Possibly even louder than blacks, and likely have some kind of genetic predisposition toward partial deafness that leads them to scream in public. Would make fine slaves.

BUKARIANS

Entirely the product of incest. Originally Russian Jews who have been passed around the world like a developmentally disabled hot potato. After failing to compete in the cutthroat economies of Uzbekistan and Tajikistan, they came to Israel. Unable to get jobs, they joined the army, where the IDF quickly put them on stapler duty. Many immigrated to America in the 90s where they found work as hairdressers. You have never heard of them because they haven’t made a single intellectual or cultural contribution in hundreds of years. They wear insane rainbow colored wizard robes. It’s like Black Israelites are larping as Jews and Bukharians are larping as Black Israelites.

SYRIAN JEWS

Organ harvesters obsessed with jewels. Will literally do anything to amass large piles of jewels. The best that can be said about them is that unlike Persian Jews, they will stay out of your way, often hiding behind trash cans and bushes. You are more likely to spot a chupacabra than a Syrian Jewish woman in public. Possibly the only honorable thing about them is how their men treat the women like Muslims. A tight insular community which was rocked by scandal in 2009 when an FBI sting called “Operation Bid Rig” exposed that they were stealing kidneys from poor Israeli immigrants and selling them for six figures on the black market. Trading kidneys for emeralds ‘til the end of time.

MODERN ORTHODOX

Jews whose orthodoxy is as business casual as their outfits. Hasidics who rebranded in the 1800s. Suits and sneakers. Yarmulkas under snapbacks. Modox attempt to be trad while still being “of the world,” which means they get all the negatives of walking around dressed like the retards but none of the benefits of actually going to Jewish heaven. All the negatives of being forced to go on birthright without any of the blowjobs. Parents spend 200k to send them to Columbia or UPenn only for them to get zero pussy and exclusively hanging out with other Modox. Once out, they’re too religious for Tinder but not religious enough for arranged marriage. Their insistence on annoyingly skirting the line between the sacred and the secular might make them the truest Jews of all.

BLACK HATS

Vile and hideous. Often wearing suits two or three sizes too big so they look like David Byrne at a funeral. Unable to make money in any way other than purchasing defunct nursing homes with shady government grants. They will feed your grandmother rat meat and have her sleep on a twin size slab of asbestos while praying to G-d every seven and a half minutes. Every elder abuse video you’ve ever seen was filmed in a Black Hat operated facility. They look like Hasids, but differ because they emanated not from Russia but Lithuania where they were called Litvaks. Litvaks outwardly rejected Hasidism, and are considered even amongst Jews to be annoying and argumentative. The men are chronically underweight, carrying the epigenetic metabolism of the average holocaust survivor. If a strong wind passes through Lakewood, NJ we will need new fake Jewish holidays to commemorate the casualties.

HASIDS

Even uglier than Black Hats and better at committing welfare fraud. They give their children five middle names so each one can be used on a separate child support form. The women are incredible entrepreneurs, pioneering the daycare schemes perfected by modern day Somalis. Hundreds of rare and exotic species have gone extinct so the men can wear giant fur donuts on their heads called shtreimel. While the women “work,” the men gather to “study torah,” which consists of them gambling on card games while drinking. In fact, the entire basis of Hasidism is drinking expensive scotch to “quiet the animal soul” which they very much do not enjoy at all because that would be sacreligious. Purely functional. Absolutely hated by the staff of the Rocklin County strip club Stilettos, where they frequently show up en masse but refuse to pay for lap dances. At least poor black people have abortions.

AIPAC JEWS

Decrepit bowtie-wearing golems. An unquenchable thirst for Muslim blood coursing through varicose veins. These Boomercons collectively donate $156.4 million a year to AIPAC for the explicit purpose of glassing the Middle East. This isn’t downstream of loyalty to Israel, but to the Republican Party. If the Republican Party decided to unilaterally nuke Israel the Boomercons would praise it for eliminating all domestic threats in one genius 5D dreidel spin. If the Democrats ran Bibi in ‘28 on a platform explicitly supporting Greater Israel they would start wearing Kiffiyahs celebrating Ramadan. These people suffer from a rare form of Alzheimer's that can only be contracted by watching 15 hours of Fox News per day. They’ll recite last night’s Hannity monologue verbatim but can’t remember their grandchildren’s names.

REFORM JEWS

Big Phish fans. 90% divorce rate. Often owners of used mid-2000s Subarus. The men are usually low-fi schizophrenic stoners who sit around watching highlights from The Daily Show and eating hard boiled eggs. The more active ones run marathons, devoting their entire lives to getting as far away from their wives as possible. The women are grey-haired PTA apparatchiks obsessed with abortion and gender mutilation surgery. They have no problem with sodomy, but take principled stands against blowjobs. Drowned their children in bathtubs before Hashem blessed them with SSRIs. Then there’s the reform “Rabbis,” who are glorified volunteers. They speak almost no Hebrew and devote their entire lives to remaking Judaism in the image of the official platform of the 2024 Democratic Party. Fact: it’s been scientifically proven Jews can smoke weed exactly 500 times in their lives, and that the 501st hit triggers an immediate and incurable psychotic breakdown.

ISRAELIS

Short on deodorant and long on date rape. Love traveling to South America to pretend to climb rocks while dosing Swedish girls with acid and groping them. Big Radiohead heads. Former leeches of the Israeli kibbutz system who have immigrated to Miami as a way to dodge either alimony or allegations. It’s possible to talk to an Israeli for three hours over bottle service in an overpriced cabana and not have any clue what they actually do for a living, and after which you will be drenched in their spit. When you ask about their IDF service every single one of them will claim to have been “special forces” and then refuse to elaborate. Made not in the image of G-d but in the image of Adam Sandler in You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Wear polyester neon colored slacks and bedazzled Chai chains. Abuse Bluechews the way female Rabbis abuse Prozac.

ASHKENAZIS

Vampires. The most evil people on Earth. Take away the Torah study, the wool hats, the twizzler sideburns and you’re left with Jeffrey Epstein, Woody Allen, and Harvey Weinstein. Ashkenazis are meant to be kept in big black zoot suits davening fifteen hours a day. Without this they create global pedophile rings and atomic bombs. The secular Ashk wars against all that is good and true in the universe because he has been cursed by a slew of incurable genetic defects. Hundreds of years of first-cousin shtuping in ghettos has left the modern Ashk with Gaucher Disease, Tay-Sachs, Canavan Disease, Familial Dysautonomia, Cystic Fibrosis, Niemann-Pick Disease, Bloom Syndrome, Fanconi Anemia, Bone marrow failure syndrome, Mucolipidosis IV, Glycogen Storage Disease, Maple Syrup Urine Disease, Joubert Syndrome, Usher Syndrome, Nemaline Myopathy, Hyperinsulinemia, and violent lactose intolerance. These bald, green skinned, barely alive vermin will look you in the eyes and tell you they are God’s chosen people.