How To Get Raped By Your Teacher
In 8 Easy Steps
By Ancient Problemz · August 13, 2026 · 11 min read
Every week, outlets like The New York Post run national stories asking why so many boys get raped by their teachers. And every week horny men click them, imagining pulling their high school Spanish teacher’s panties aside, tilting her head back, and watching her rearview tchotchkes dance back and forth as backshots ripple through her Kia Sorento. While it’s far too late for most of us, we can at least teach the younger generation how to generate the sorts of headlines the rest of us jerk off to long after graduation.
1. Aim Low
While it’s certainly a chadly impulse to seduce the hottest teacher at your school, there’s a common misconception that the women dumb enough to have felony-grade sex are generally hot. Our research reveals this to be a “man bites dog” phenomenon. Attractive assailants are rare and only seem regular because they’re so memorable. If you’re going to be a winner and not just another incel school-shooter type, you need to model your actions off what works.
For example, low mids like Jessie Lorene Goline make up for their looks by having sex with enough boys to form a defensive line, occasionally banging two in the same day.
Others, like Alexandria Vera, will make a man of you as they feel the full force of your untraveled penis inseminating them shortly before your parents assure the press it’s “not an issue” in your culture. Others like Melody Lippert and Michelle Ghirelli prove women really do make better team players when they join forces to give students a field trip they’ll never forget.
2. Target Post-Wall White Women
It’s important to know your target demographic. As far as ours is concerned, 78% of female offenders are white. The average offender is 36 years-old, making underfucked Harry Potter wholesome chungus millennial women a great place to start. Based on the available data, it’s impossible to say whether black and brown women don’t rape as much as their white counterparts or whether they’re just better at it. Perhaps black and brown communities are just more accepting of it, or maybe white women just have lower impulse control when it comes to taking underage jock dick. Either way, unless you find yourself in a juvenile lockup, you don’t want to waste your time flirting with Miss Jada. There are plenty of PAWGs and snowbunnies intimately acquainted with the pulse of their biological clocks and eager to drain your underage balls after class.
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3. Act Retarded
Not every chad gets raped by their teacher. If you want after-hours abuse from your trigonometry mommy, you’re going to need the body of a future NFL player and the ethics of a current one. You want to score like you have CTE, not a chance at Harvard. Take the case of Thao “Sandy” Doan, for instance, and you’ll see a lonely woman sexting with a child whose frontal lobe could only consist of porn, slurs, and violence. But you’ll also see that he was an enterprising middle-schooler who fleeced her for $28,000 after she was dumb enough to fuck him. Unsure whether to take him seriously, Doan’s “victim” underscored the gravity of the situation, texting her: "Aint b'sing watch ima start getting the pics and everything ready to show the cops. Right i aint playing."
Look at Alaina Ferguson and marvel at the game her “victim” put down when he initiated their affair by writing his Snapchat handle on his algebra test like her pussy was his for the taking. Ask yourself if these are the actions of a kid who isn’t at least a little retarded?
Then there’s Michelle Mellinger who went after confirmed special needs kids because the regular needs kids just didn’t do it for her. Mary Kay Letourneau who famously left her husband and four children to have two more children with Vili Fualaau (just look at him), and Anna Stubblefield, whose notorious relationship with a nonverbal cerebral palsy patient is lovingly detailed in the assisted communication documentary Tell Them You Love Me. You have to ask yourself, if smarts are so good, why don’t any of these kids have any?
4. Play Sports, Especially Football
While authorities are legally required to suppress underage victims’ identities, we’ve culled through hundreds of cases to establish profiles not only for assailants but their victims too. While “doing your own research” can often be a painstaking process, reading digital exchanges and court testimonies can identify more than enough details to reveal exactly who’s targeted.
The scene begins when you’ve just finished throwing the winning touchdown at your homecoming game after injecting steroids you purchased with crypto. A girl your own age approaches but you hip-check her skinny, virginal body into the bleachers as a mousy 36 year-old with tan lines and a midsize SUV approaches to tell you you’re the absolute best. She hands you a cigarette and asks if you’ve ever been with a woman with stretchmarks when you tell her you’ve never been with a woman period. She sees you recording the entire interaction with your cell phone, which is when she fixes her hair and states her legal name several times for clarity rather than knocking the phone out of your hand. After you have unprotected sex resulting in both insemination (also on camera) and an abortion, the county is forced to pay you seven figures while men across the world wonder whether it was any good.
Unsurprisingly, the women who give a fuck about football are most likely to Sandusky you in one last attempt to feel like the coolest girl in school. In fact, to see the predictive power of the football fetish, you can just look at Sarah Jones, a former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader who was able to skate by without serving any jail time, only to end up engaged to her student and working at her lawyer’s law firm.
Another great example can be seen in Maris Nichols, who eventually landed a position teaching biology at Alexander High School only after she first got her foot in the door as a football operations manager, a job literally never held by someone trying to fuck the players.
But Ashley Fisler is one of the best examples of over-the-hill water girls cruising for underage jock penis. Fisler was so dedicated to feeling like a prom queen at the ripe age of 36 that she worked full-time as a teacher while simultaneously running an athletic apparel company, giving her a convenient cover to cavort with, you guessed it: the whole football team. As Caitlin McCormack writes for The New York Post,
“Everybody knew something wasn’t right with her,” the now-20-year-old said. “She would flirt with all the boys on the football team, she would favor them. She would be rude to all the girls.” Despite being territorial herself, she thought nothing of having sex with her student in the same classroom where her husband proposed to her only three years earlier.
5. Remember That It’s Not About You
Stories like Fisler’s are shocking, but it’s not that useful to look into boys’ motivations since they’re angels who can’t consent, but spend a minute thinking about these cases and you’ll realize that these crusty white bitches are absolutely dead set on re-living all the telenovela excitement of high school way into perimenopause, even if it means competing with girls don’t use capitalization.
While many would point to the sexy rape part of the exchange between female teachers and male students as the bad part, it’s actually the betrayal you feel as a boy being used for your virginal chad penis in the psychological tug of war of whatever the fuck is happening in your teacher’s head that can really devastate you. You may think the whole sordid affair is about you, when you’ll inevitably hear how both your special needs program and special teams rosters ran trains on her the week before. Imagine eating fruit roll-ups, or hummus and carrots out of her fridge, when you suddenly see a picture of her husband proposing to her in the very same classroom where she first tasted your cock. Maybe you just see her assert apex predator dominance over girls too young to drive when you realize you’re only one of many pawns who will be sacrificed in the sexual game of chess known as high school teacher rape.
6. Use Snapchat
OnlyFans is sex work for girls who don’t want to work. LinkedIn is professional networking for unfuckable women. And Snapchat is Tinder for rapists. As bank robber Willie Sutton said, if you want to get rich, “you gotta go where the money is,” and if you want to get raped, you gotta go where the rapists are. Just take three seconds to search “Snapchat” on The New York Post's site and see how often you end up reading about a mental white woman showing her tits to a minor. More than just a social networking site, the real beauty of Snapchat is that it both works to groom your teacher and bury her in an ocean of evidence.
Aspiring victims might want to get creative using Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, or Telegram, but we wouldn’t suggest it. You can review hundreds of cases without encountering any of these other platforms while you can find individual offenders who used Snapchat alone to rack up dozens of charges. For example, Jaclyn McLaren caught 42 charges for sucking off and flashing a half-dozen kids before the prosecution graciously reduced her charges down to 7.
From inexperienced teachers like Annaleigh Andrews to veteran school counselors like Lesli Lambeth Bryant, Snapchat is your one-stop shop for imprisoning and expropriating every level of faculty. Even rookie substitutes like Cassidy Carter know that if you want to be a successful sex offender Snapchat is where it’s at. But be forewarned: While locating a teacher with a Snapchat account isn’t enough to guarantee a successful sexual assault, you’ll want to make sure to screen out any teachers who think they’re too good to send sexually explicit images and messages back and forth with a minor.
7. Location Location Location
Any loser can fuck his middle-aged wife at home but it takes a special kind of chad to fuck someone else’s in theirs, which is where teachers like McKenna Kindred come in. If you play your cards right, you can expect to receive the full three-and-a-half hour sex marathon at her very own house while her husband is out hunting, but you’ll want to make sure to let her know you care by sending subliterate messages like, “Mom glad I can satisfy you,” so at least she can feel something inside her broken and horny brain. Other locations worth trying include classrooms, the football field, various utility closets and boiler rooms, assorted field trip venues, and most vehicles sold in North America after the 1990s. Remember the greater the risk of getting caught or desecrating a civilizational norm, the more intense the orgasm.
8. Extort Them And Bankrupt Your School District
While it’s good to spread your sperm and God-given talent around, it’s a mitzvah to use it for financial independence, which is why you don’t want to stop at merely prosecuting your teacher. If you want to make it in the 2020s, you’re going to need to harness the full power of the Jewish legal tradition by monetizing your trauma in lucrative and socially legible ways both before and after you secure a criminal conviction. Like in the case of Laura Whitehurst’s 14-year-old student, who sued the Redlands County Unified School District for a RECORD $6 million after getting her pregnant. While you’ll be able to personally bankrupt your predator, who’s undoubtedly thinking with her pussy and leaving endless breadcrumbs all over your Snapchat exchange at all times, teachers are both overpaid and not paid that much, so you’ll make the bulk of your money after exposing your abuser to cops and journalists who can professionally villainize her for their own personal gain. But be advised, the risk of getting caught is a large part of the appeal of having an illicit affair and if your teacher is sufficiently stupid, she’ll ultimately out the whole affair to one of her dumb bitch friends, who will blow the lid off the whole thing out of sheer jealousy long before you have the chance to. Just as all fights go to Worldstar, so must all rapes bankrupt your school district.
